It has been pointed out to me that when I recently commented upon/railed against the “casting breakdown” for the upcoming Conan movie from Lionsgate, I spent a lot of time looking at the various innovative and exciting characters therein, but spent little time teasing out the fairly detailed synopsis which can be read between the lines. So, with all disclaimers, I present below what I gleaned from the myriad hints in the “casting breakdown” as far as the plot of the film (such as it is) is concerned.

As briefly as possible…

Corin the Cimmerian wanders the world. He encounters Khalar Singh. They become “comrades.” Corin returns to Cimmeria. He becomes blacksmith-king of “the Cimmerians” and fathers Conan upon Islene.

Islene dies on a battlefield, after giving birth to Conan.

Conan becomes some sort of Cimmerian Michael Myers. Corin “tames” Conan.

Khalar shows up and wants help from Corin to find the “Lost Queen of Acheron” (Ilira). Corin refuses. Khalar and his “Aquilonian Mercenary Legion” attack. Corin and Conan throw Pretty-Boy Lucius (commander of the mercs; also known as “Lucky”) into a forge-fire. Conan escapes. Khalar tortures/kills Corin and exterminates the rest of “the Cimmerians.”

Conan and former Cimmerian bully-boy, Artus (who somehow transforms into a “Zamorian”), have many thrilling adventures.

Conan finally remembers that he needs to avenge his father/people. It is perhaps during this early point in his quest for vengeance that he encounters Lucius again (and the “One-Eyed Thief”).

About the same time, Khalar captures Ilira. Tamara, Ilira’s primary bodyguard (from the “Greek influenced monastery”), manages to elude the cruel clutches of Khalar.

Tamara encounters Conan around this point. She is “not in the least intimidated” by the paramount warrior of the Hyborian Age. Since they both want to see Khalar dead, they join forces (something else may “blossom” later).

The twain journey to the city of “Khor Khala,” which is ruled by Khalar (where Conan probably encounters, once again, the “One-Eyed Thief”). Conan then engages in the now-traditional cinematic fight between himself and a black man (Ufaka). He might whip up on Fariq (Khalar’s son) and Remo (evil “shadow guy”) as well.

Conan (with the help of the spunky Tamara) defeats Khalar and rescues Ilira. The world is saved, but Thoth-Amon lurks in the shadows (for the sequel).

There is even more garbage that I left out, like the large band of blind (yet cunning! and deadly!) archers and Tamara’s time in the “Greek influenced monastery”. Honestly, I don’t see how they’ll be able to cram all this into one movie. Then again, who would want to?