Breaking News: new Solomon Kane movie…sucks

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I know, you’re shocked. You didn’t believe me. After all, it looked so gosh darn accomplished and artistic and authentic, what with computer game demons and deathless lines like “Come on!” But yes, the first reviews are in from the exact demographic most likely to forgive its non-Howardian infelicities — schlock horror fans — and they have rendered as harsh a judgment as REH’s own Solomon Kane might have, had his shade confronted the film crew on some dark and dreary studio stage as they were going about making a hash of the brilliant Texan’s work. From the fine horror website Bloody Disgusting, here are some of the choicest comments:

Wow, just wow….

….How can you lose with Demons, swordfights, witches, knights and a whopping $60m budget? Ask Uwe Boll as this horror fantasy is one of the dullest, poorly acted and heartless films I’ve seen all year….

…Solomon Kane is robbing a castle. After murdering hundreds of soldiers/knights he makes his way in the front gates….

….Solomon goes off to save the woman — not because he wants to save her, but because HE might be redeemed for doing so. His entire plight is selfish and everything he does is for himself….

….NOTHING happens. There’s a little something here and there, but for the most part the entire film is jammed with heavy over explanatory exposition. It also doesn’t help when your main character delivers one of the worst performances of the year. Beyond that, James Purefoy was horribly miscast as he didn’t look or act the role.

….the evil demon with the skin mask is actually Solomon’s brother….

….Everything is explained in dialogue and not a single thing is gestured on….

….I began laughing uncontrollably as I just couldn’t believe it. There was no way this was the end. So, wait, there’s no epic battle? No fight? No climax? It just. . . ends…because of God?….

….Solomon Kane is one of the worst movies of the year. An unfocused mythology, with underdeveloped characters and bad acting make this an unbearable theater experience….

Score: 1 / 10

Michael Bassett as the American Uwe Boll? Great call. Click over to Bloody Disgusting and read the whole thing. The one saving grace of all this is that there’s still a chance that the film will fail to find a distributor in this tough market, and that it will be shuttled into the vast store of direct-to-video product to be found at your local Blockbuster.

According to the review, at one point in the film Solomon Kane finds his father hanging by chains in some demonic dungeon. I hope he sees Solomon and cries out: “You lukky, lukky bastard!”